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AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ILLUMINATI
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) (image courtesy of Gawker) Dear Global Overlords (my apologies if that’s too familiar), Okay! Uncle! We get it. You run this shit. Breaking the...
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YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT MEN LIKE IN BED?
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) Yesterday, I was talking on the phone with my nephew. He told me he was watching Rush Hour 2. And he asked me if I’d take him to an Asian...
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TOP 10 NICE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT AN UGLY BABY
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) It’s estimated around one-hundred and thirty-four million babies will be born in 2013. Of that one-hundred and thirty-four million, some of...
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HOW TO BECOME A HUMAN BEING… NOT JUST A FEMINIST
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) I don’t understand why making people happy, wanting others to be content, secure to do what they want, to be trusted and supported in a way...
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BREAKING NEWS: NIRVANA WAS THE LAST BAND THAT REALLY MATTERED
As media outlets around the world just reported, Nirvana has been nominated as an inductee into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame. This is, of course, no surprise. In 2011, Nirvana celebrated the 20th...
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YOUR SUFFERING POLISHES YOUR SOUL
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com and Medium.com/HumanParts) Like you, I have a few secrets I never tell anyone. But dear readers, there’s one secret I want to tell you. It taught...
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WHAT’S SCARIER: GODZILLA or FEMINISM?
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) I was watching “Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla” on cable yesterday because that’s what you do when you’re a freelance writer and your home is your...
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I WANNA GET DRUNK WITH YOU
(this post originally appeared on Medium.com/HumanParts) There never seems to be any time for us. Plans change. Dates shift. Minutes stumble into hours, the hours trip into days, and days fall flailing...
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KANYE JUST STOLE THE CONFEDERATE FLAG… CAN HE DO THAT?
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) I know what you may be expecting, but I guarantee this isn’t another article written to say, in a clever but dismissive way, “You crazy for...
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EVERYBODY’S MY PEOPLE
(this article originally appeared on@Medium/HumanParts) “We wrote poems about marginality and moonsickness.” The Demon Room by J.E. Reich Waiting at the DMV yesterday, I watched a middle-aged man who...
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DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BEING COOL!
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) Being ironic, being detached, in a word, being cool feels very important in our uber-fast tech-driven world of slick appearances and curated...
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HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE WORD “FUCK” TO SOMEONE LEARNING ENGLISH
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) I’ve been swapping languages with a friend of mine. He desperately wants to improve his facility with English. And for some odd reason he...
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HOW DO I SURVIVE THIS SH*T?
Stoked to announce my new ebook was just published by ThoughtCatalog. Think you might enjoy it. “Whether it’s his story of driving a car that’s on fire, crashing a rental sailboat into a super-tanker,...
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EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT ORGASMS* (BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK)
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog.com) (image from beautifulagony.com) Son: Mommy, what’s an orgasm? Mother: I don’t know, dear. Ask your father. Most of us know more about math...
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HOW TO LISTEN TO A WOMAN (LIKE DYLAN FARROW)
A few days ago the writer, Luke O’Neil, employing typically well-placed emphasis, tweeted some pithy advice for all modern men: Every now and again just shut your fucking mouths and listen to women...
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HOW MURDEROUS OUTLAWS TAUGHT ME TO LOVE (…MYSELF)
(this article originally appeared on ThoughtCatalog) I never wanted the life I have. I don’t know if anyone does. But I know I didn’t. I’m writing this on a park bench surrounded by pristine silence....
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BEHOLD THE BEATING HEART OF THE NEW AMERICAN MAN
From rooftops, shouts ring out across the land, “Real American men are dead! Long live real American men!” You’ll hear talking heads on tv spout that dramatic pronouncement, you’ll hear it from...
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HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY FOR SOMEONE TO HUG YOU FOR HALF AN HOUR?
In the small Northern California town of Roseville, a new business called Cuddle Connection just opened its doors for the first time this week. The space offers five different cuddle zones and is...
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HOW NIKOLA TESLA MADE MARK TWAIN CRAP HIS WHITE SUIT (…AND HOW WE CAN AVOID...
Once upon a time, the genius inventor, Nikola Tesla, made the world-famous writer, Mark Twain shit himself. In that craptastic moment of American history, among the bodily product of the great man’s...
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MOVING ON: HOW TO TOSS YOUR BELOVED IN THE DUMPSTER
I guess what matters most is how much I will miss us. I hate how this is the end of us. I never cared that people called you ugly. If I were being honest, the first time I saw you, I also thought you...
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